I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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