I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
