Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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