Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
