Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Randomize
