It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
