I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
