We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
