You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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