You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
