Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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