hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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