I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You pole danced in your parka.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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