You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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