woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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