My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
