hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
