just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
