Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
