Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
