Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
