Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
