If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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