Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
