Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
