i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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