God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
