I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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