When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
