he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
