My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
