she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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