I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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