I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
