I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Floor bacon is actually really good
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
