I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
