its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
