Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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