Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
