my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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