my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Randomize
