checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
