I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
