yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
