I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
