Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
