I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
