If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You pole danced in your parka.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
wow bdsm is so cute
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
