I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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