woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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