I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
